Saturday, January 31, 2009
1. Blago-vago-play dough-which-tick-veech-something or other.
You look at him and you yern for all those 20 somethings suffering from male pattern baldness. If only they could share in his synthetic pleasures, they would be so fulfilled!
Not to mention you could hide the key to your safety deposit box under those luscious locks. A must for anyone getting paid under the table.
2. Britney Spears
Britney can donate because Britney is a giver. She really cares. Not only did she shave her head for no good reason. She helped the future failing economy by doing it herself. Also, in an act of selflessness, she decided not to donate her hair because it had been colored too many times and soaked in gin.
Currently she is re-growing for her next caring gesture. And also so she can cover herself up on the next nude magazine cover she shoots.
3. Richard Simmons
Finally, I believe many birds could be saved through the aid of Richard Simmons. In fact I think the World Wildlife Federation is going to push a bill to make Richards "Fro" a nationally recognized nature refuge.
The only problem...the birds would have to fly south for the winter once Richard started shooting his next "Sweatin' to the 80's" video. Their habitat would turn into a wetland by the time they heard Karma Chemeleon.
One of these things is "Fruit at the Bottom" yogurt.
What is the purpose in this? Isn't yogurt meant to be easy to eat? I wasn't under the assumption that it was supposed to be a treasure hunt. And what were the creators of FATB yogurt thinking? They must've been sitting in their corner office and all of a sudden had an epiphany!
Stan: "Hey man, I got it!"
Joey: "I'm sorry, did you say something? I was too busy eating a Hot Pocket"
Stan: "Yea man, I figured out how we can make money with our yogurt and screw with peoples heads at the same time!"
Joey: "You mean put weed in the yogurt?"
Stan: "No you idiot! We'll just put the fruit at the bottom"
Joey: "At the bottom? What if they don't make it that far?"
Stan: "Well, we'll tell them where the fruit is on the cover of the container. Ya know, so they don't get confused and all"
Joey: "Sweet! Let's do it!"
Stan: "Great. I'm glad you're on board. Say....do you have another Hot Pocket?"
Yup, I'm pretty sure that's how the conversation went. It was all a genius scheme by a couple of corporate stoners.
But seriously what is the point is shoveling through that buttery bitter cover surface till you get to the fruit? Not to mention how annoying it is to have to stir. Here's the best part...you can even buy yogurt that comes with a spoon. So now they've saved you all the time it takes to get a spoon...but you still have to tunnel to the bottom for your fruity goodness.
Thursday, January 29, 2009
Also, if you are on SNL...give me a job. If you know someone who works for SNL...have them give me a job. I will promise you good karma for years to come!
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
Have you ever had an answer to a question make too much sense? You know those times when someone says "Sure, they could do that but it would make too much sense".
This thought came to me when I was listening to a commercial for Planned Parenthood. The commercial talked about how birth control doesn't protect you against STD's. The commercial went on to invite young listeners to come on down to planned parenthood and learn other ways to protect yourself against STD's.
I'm sorry. I'm confused. I'm pretty sure there is only ONE way to effectivly protect yourself against STD's. Don't become a whore. Seriously, it's simple. Only sleep with a steady partner who has been tested and is faithful to you. Futheremore, when I say "steady" I mean more than two weeks.
Here's another idea. Don't have sex till you have a shiny thing on your left hand. And no I don't mean Michael Jackson's rinestone glove. I mean A RING. A wedding ring.
Do I make sense or shall I type slower? Now this isn't to say that everyone needs to have a purity ball, become Mormon, or join a monastary. It means that we need to be vigilant and intelligent about sex. I believe sex is very important to humanity, marriage, and life. But at what cost is a few hours of pleasure? Is it worth the many years of child rearing? How about the agonizing pain of those pussing pollups? Sorry for being so graphic but maybe what the world needs is graphic.
I remember seeing photos of blackened lungs on the walls of my classroom for health class. It was sickening what these posters portrayed to get the point across about smoking. couldn't the same be said of STD's. The posters could read "Friends Don't Let Friends Become Whores". It could picture two teenage girls standing side by side. One holding a dirty diaper and the other with her arms full of various ointments.
I think that might get the point across. If not, go to Planned Parenthood.
Monday, January 19, 2009
I have had some things lately that are bothering me. I'm pretty moody today so I'll just let them out through writing because that's what I do.
1. How much money are we spending on this inauguration? It saddens me that we didn't give the same respect to past presidents as we are Barack Obama. Please don't misunderstand my notions. I support Barack Obama. I would've voted for him if the state of Vermont had actually sent me my absentee ballot. But what I don't understand is how we can spend so much money on balls, galas, ect...when that money could pay off thousands of foreclosed mortgages. If you can find an article that says that all of that money was from private donations then I will rest my opinion of this subject.
2. Also on the subject of this historic event. Why don't American schools get inauguration day off every four years? I think it should be a mandatory holiday. We should move presidents day to inauguration day and then call it inauguration day every four years instead of presidents day.
3. The F word. This is not an important part of the English language. It is not a useful verb and even less useful as a noun. Aren't there other verbs you could use? Maybe verbs like "forget" or even the more vulgar but less humiliating "screw". I don't like being on the bus and hearing a couple of degenerates talk about their life and the weather immediately followed by F, or preceding F. Could it be possible for you to read a book and understand that there are other words? Maybe you could pick up a copy of Dr. Seuss. Even the book Everybody Poops is likely not to use the malicious F.
4. Drugs. It's simple. Stop doing them and you'll be a better person. I won't expound on this because if you do drugs then you know it's wrong. I consider drinking beyond socially a drug. I don't drink personally but outside of religious values I believe social drinking is okay. The problem are those that think it's okay to keep going. Get completely sloshed. Come to work hungover and then complain. Not okay.
5. Radio top 40 songs. THE TOP FORTY CONSISTS OF MORE THAN TEN SONGS. 95.5FM in Burlington Vermont is the worst and most redundant radio station I've ever heard. I've worked in radio for four years. We never repeated our top 40 as much as this station. I've NEVER heard another station do this like Triple X does. Not in NYC, Idaho, California, Montana, Washington State, Virginia, or Utah. Nor has it been that bad on any online radio stations that I've listened to. I think they're subject to modern day payola. If you don't know what payola is then look it up.
6. I sent a very professional email in regards to a service opportunity in the community. I have great credentials and experience for the area of service I want to do. SERVICE=NO PAY. I wasn't applying for a job. They still haven't emailed me back. It would at least be professional to respond to someone who's interested in helping the community and trying to give back. It's too bad we live in a community where it's easier to live off the government then it is to serve someone.
All right. That's all I have for now. I'm sure I'll go on one of these rants again. But for now...that is all I have to say.
Sunday, January 18, 2009
This makes me sad on two levels. 1. That we elected this man to run our country for eight full years. 2. To watch such a broken man speak on national television. I know I sound contradictory but I think even he has realized the measure of his mistakes.
Saturday, January 17, 2009
Friday, January 16, 2009
I decided I should do some service in the community. I really want to get involved with helping kids get ready for college. I recently had a conversation with one of my co-workers about his plans post H.S. graduation. He said he wanted to go into something particular but wasn't sure if he could get there because of his life circumstances. It made me sad and angry to think that someone has given him the notion that he can't accomplish what he wants. So..I encouraged him. I think others have too. Recently he seems to have a plan for school and it looks like he's going to get to do what he wants. Please understand this didn't really have anything to do with me but I'm glad I could encourage nonetheless.
I think it's important to serve and my parents have been good examples of this. My mother would teach craft classes to the elderly and my father helps coordinate the childrens community gardens in Burlington.
Below are some links that you can use to help get involved yourself, or, get inspired to serve!
Here are some videos of CNN Heroes
Sunday, January 11, 2009
I was a bit put off by her blatant lack of filter for conversation. Why did she assume I was a bum? I said I wasn't looking for a job...but that didn't mean I didn't have one. I do have one. Granted...it's far from glamorous...but it's employment nonetheless. Which is more than I can say for the other 7% of unemployed people in this country.
Also...after four 1/2 years of stressing out, freaking out, lack of eating, too much eating, lack of sleep, all nighters, lack of money, lack of time, makeup-less face, too much makeup for performances, singing to big crowds, standing in front of little crowds, producing, editing, writing, reading, reading more, textbooks, good books, sleeping in nooks, campus dances, campus concerts, construction on campus, the overuse of the word campus, planning, forgetting to plan, using a planner, bills, cheap thrills without the fun of frills or pills, full clothing, no flip flops, wearing flip flops without getting caught, overuse of the letter I, remembering that there is no I in team, being a part of I-Team, I-comm, I can....
I can chose to take a break. A nice long break. Maybe a year. Trust me...in a short amount of time I'll go insane of my current circumstances. Then once again you'll read of a new place. But for now...it's this place, and I'm a bum.
Thursday, January 8, 2009
"Extraverted sensing types are pragmatic and realistic with a zest for living life to the fullest by way of multiplying experiences. Always on the alert for what needs immediate attention or what might provide a bit of action, excitement or entertainment, they engage quickly with their environment. They seek and enjoy freedom, are good-natured, direct, and tolerant and are often the ones who provide levity.
They have a way with dealing with people on a very equal platform and are not easily star struck. Rank, celebrity and status mean little when they are face to face with another individual.
On the job, they appreciate having the right tools and are quite ingenious at finding ways to fix and repair things with dexterity. They love variety and are curious and adventurous, enjoying the unexpected. Their brand of extraversion is one of deeds rather than words. As long as things are moving along, they are happy. They like to keep things simple and immediate, going with the flow. They are helpful in very concrete ways, providing the correct tools or specific service the person requires. They often have an uncanny ability to respond appropriately in cases of emergencies, often having excellent reflexes. They act without thinking. They also tend to have natural mediating skills.
They are attuned to the environment and the myriad colours, textures, sounds, beauty and the sensuousness of it all. They are quite graceful and agile while moving through their environment. They love having fun and if things are too quiet they may provide the entertainment or distraction. They learn by imitation and are keen observers. They teach through example. Their attention will always go towards whatever provides the keenest impression on their senses. "
Tuesday, January 6, 2009
Saturday, January 3, 2009
Apparently I am too good to be working in a restaurant. Apparently only skum work there and I have too much education to make the high pay rate that I currently make rolling burritos.
I am not upset at those who ask me what I'm doing at home working at Taco Bell. They have a valid reason to ask. Honestly, I just need a break. I don't think it's a smart time to jump in to Broadcasting and I need to save some money.
My eventual plans will probably push me towards NYC or someplace else that has a good paying news job...but for now I'm put. I have some immediate goals. One of them being to get a car ASAP.
It's true that we reject the unfamiliar. I'm just taking some time to figure out what direction of unfamiliar I want to go.