Friday, November 27, 2009

Did you learn the hard way?

Why must we grow up? Think about how great things were when we were young. We could poop anywhere. Literally, we had portable soft plush synthetic pottys with us all the time. We were also able to eat all the time. And take naps.

But eventually a teenager in a diaper eating creamy spinach looks a bit strange.

So we take the SAT's. We attempt to stay in the right lane. We learn that putting chemicals under your arms on a daily basis will allow you to continue to have friends. And some of us even get our first job picking up someone's dirty fork or asking them if they would like to upsize their Diet Coke with their large fries and triple artery clogging patty melt.

But it isn't enough. We get to a point where we realize that patty melts won't get us the things that mainstream media dreams of in life. Namely an SUV. So we go to a larger version of the institution that taught us how to count those dirty forks. We shell out tens of thousands of hard earned cash so that we can someday sit in a leather chair and have an intern who also one day dreams of his own leather chair.

Finally, we get the leather chair. The fake nails, fake hair, fake hopes and real fears. So what did we do all this for?

The feeling of being accomplished. And so we could learn the hard way.

Yes, oh yes. Most of us will learn the hard way.

Some things I've recently learned the hard way...

1. Be aware of your credit. Know what it is. Know how to keep it in good standing.

2. Stay away from national banks. Go with local banks and credit unions.

3. All car salesman are liars and greedy. That is their job.

4. Too much caffeine isn't good for you. It messes with your sleeping habits and it's bad for your heart.

5. Value your friends and relationships. Buy some stamps and write letters instead of emails.

6. Prices will go up. Stop asking why something costs so much when you go out to eat. The price is posted for a reason.

7. Never do anything for free that you can get paid for.

8. Quality is better than quantity. That is why I own a MAC.

9. Swearing makes you sound stupid.

10. I must make preparations to have pumpkin pie on Thanksgiving or I will personally consume an entire pint of ice cream and half a pumpkin loaf.

"A muffin is a bald cupcake" -Jim Gaffigan

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Pocket Full of Posers

What happen to identity? The true original self.

There used to be a time in which you said you liked something and someone might have disagreed with you because they had previously tried that thing and decided they didn't like it.

Nowadays we all do the same things. And if we haven't then we're indecisive in making a decision. We have become a "pocket full of posers".

The worst pockets are those that can't make a decision when it comes to dating or relationships. These specific posers come in all types. Many of them get hung up on the phrase dating or the even more terrifying phrases of boyfriend and girlfriend.

I'm not sure if you know this...but dating someone is not marriage. Nope, you're not married if you're dating someone. You don't have a prenuptial agreement. You don't have to wear a distinguishing piece of jewelry so you know you're eternally attached to another being. You're just dating. And when you don't feel as though it's going anywhere, there's no red tape. No awkward term of divorce lingering over your head. You just simply stop dating.

The pockets of posers also like to wear the same skinny jeans, drink the same energy drinks, and listen to the same anti-melodic music.

Sometimes I dip my hand into a pocket now and then. Sometimes I do enjoy the things that everyone else does. Namely Mcdonalds chicken nuggets. But I truly hope that I can keep my individuality separate from another persons individuality and truly become the very best phrase, "uniquely original".