Thursday, December 30, 2010


All right. Before you read this post you should read the link below...

Now that you've read the above article, I would like to give eight reasons why OCTO mother should not have her children in her custody. And quite frankly, I mean all 14 of them.

1. She doesn't have a home. Actually she hasn't for some time according to that article. Perhaps she owns some grocery bags to put her belongings in, but certainly not a home.

2. She will impose her skewed and Angelina Jolie oriented self image upon her daughters and feminine sons.

3. She's insane

4. When her sons begin boy scouts the other parents will be afraid that "Mama Sule" will try to be the den mother.

5. She consistently smells like baby powder and urine.

6, Gerber only has so much formula and once the pumps have broken it will take an entire staff at McDonalds to feed her family. Of course, that is if she can manage to get an advertising deal with the company in order to pay for food. HGH worked on octomom and it can work on your burger too!

7. There aren't enough hours in the day to teach 14 children how to read.

8. Heaven forbid one of those kids makes it to the White House. Where would they all stay? You better believe mom moves in first!

Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Drink The Better Water

This morning I had one of those things everyone hopes of having when they work in an office. Yes, it was an epiphany. This happened when I went to fill my two water bottles for the day.

You see recently I've been hung up on the quality of life. More dating, more money, more clothes, more time, more tweets. And such is the case with most in their mid twenties. But it really shouldn't be, this is the time for quality.

Which brings me back to the water bottles. There are two options for filtered water in my office building. One is a regular fountain which takes too long to run and the water quality is a bit poor. The other is farther from my desk, it's a little bit harder to fill the bottles since there's no drain below said spout which is hooked to the a refrigerator. However, when walking farther to this refrigerator the quality of the water is much better.

So this is a small example of quality. But quality is so overlooked nowadays. I mean have you seen Jersey Shore? That cast walked out of an online ad for www.genericcrapwestillcan' which by the way is a free domain if you want it.

And so I go upon my life journey. I will begin to save my money once again. I will buy expensive shoes, and that coat that will take me a year to pay off but last me five. I will take care of my car and eat good food so the warranty on my body doesn't run out as fast as those smokers in the trailer park. And one day when I have the financial means to afford Burberry and $12 a plate is an afterthought I will look back and say to myself, boy...I'm glad I chose the better water.

Sunday, December 26, 2010

Hey! I'm Mormon...whoops...

Recently I haven't cared about what people think when I say I'm Mormon. Gosh golly gee, I have something to believe in! Thank goodness I don't think I'm a waste of space in society. I (personally) know why I'm on this earth. Which, by the way, is pretty freaking cool.

Earthquakes? Yeah, they'll happen. Am I scared? Well, a little. But honestly, I'm glad I have faith and I'm not afraid to share my beliefs.

But...I do want you to be aware, if you don't agree, that is OKAY WITH ME! If you're happy, then you're happy. I won't push my religion on you. I really won't. But I will surely answer your questions.

Anyhow, this is a bit of a rant since it is 3:00am and I decided to pull an all nighter to take my very awesome friend to the airport after her original flight was canceled. That friend sparked the writing of this post, because she was been so patient as I rambled on about my religion, and not because I wanted to convert her, mostly because I just like to talk. Perhaps I even talk too much in my blog? I digress.

Well, after reading this...if you're wondering what I believe, there's a linky you can click on, or not. It is your decision.

Have a great day! I will spend mine in a sleep deprived stupor with an IV of Diet Coke hooked to my arm.

I'm a Mormon.

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Christmas Cards and Getting Fat

I have two qualms about the holiday season...Christmas cards and getting fat.

Christmas cards will be my first qualm. Why do we send these generic pieces of cardboard crap? With awful sayings like "may your holiday season be joyous and your heart be filled". Filled with what? Artery clogging fruitcake, cookies, and ham? I think not. So, instead of sending stupid generic wastes of space in the society of cards, I took matters into my own hands. My card has a photo of me dressed as character from MadTV. Granted, it does say happy holidays but that's about as close as I get to generic in this card. Additionally, I've filled it with sparkles and sequins just to piss my friends off and have a constant reminder during the week that I care.

For those of you who read my blog and get my card, I'm sorry to ruin the surprise!

The second qualm that gets me is getting fat during Christmas. Freaking get fat! Eat everything! Heck, I'm using Christmas as an excuse to eat other foods that aren't Christmas oriented. I mean I'm sure I could ask McDonalds to cut my McDouble into a Christmas star but that would be somewhat sacrilegious now wouldn't it?

So above all. Enjoy this time. Relish in the screaming kool-aid mouth ringed children and the seasonal ex-cons working in the mall. Enjoy the grandmother who runs over your foot with her automatic wheel chair in WalMart and the clients who call you on December 23rd demanding a refund for something they've damaged. Give joy to the world of Warcraft that your boyfriend would rather play than spend time with you, and come all ye faithful mothers who don't want to bake one more gosh darn cookie for her child's teacher who has already made fun of said mothers kankles.

Peace on nog good will to figgy pudding (or whatever that substance is called).

Saturday, December 11, 2010

Popular "Tweeps"

So I've recently taken a liking to Twitter. I think it's a great and novel Idea. It's true, no one gives a crap about anything past 140 characters. We don't have time for 150 characters. We just don't. There are other more important things we could be doing instead of reading 150+ characters. Things like doing the tutorials for your online banking, darning socks, calling your cousin from Jersey you knew would never amount to anything, purchasing something from the home shopping network, pondering other careers for The Rock, joining internet dating sites, and watching Bernie Sanders talk for 8 and a half hours. All of those things take priority over 150 characters.

Unfortunately, there are some people who think they're too good to respond to someone's 140 characters. Now I'm not talking about the verified celebrities we follow in order to get their daily nuggets of wisdom. I'm talking about local celebrities, or businesses that don't respond to you when you clearly tweet AT them. When you even use the "@" symbol and their Twitter name.

Let me inform you crazy narcissistic fools, you are not too good for any TWEEP! You just aren't. You must respond. That is the point of Twitter. For people who don't know each other to talk freely and about utter nonsense with one another without feeling as though they will be judged for their thought of less than 141 characters.

As I said before, the worst ones are the ones that aren't even famous. Typically the one's that don't respond don't want to hurt their image, but they don't have an image at all. They think that heaven forbid they respond to this Tweep that the Tweep might actually think that they're formulating a relationship. Nope, wrong, they're probably mentioning you in their tweet because they think you're somewhat ignorant and they want the world to know. For which case you should probably respond otherwise you look like a jerk bag. That's right, I said jerk bag. And now, I will coin that phrase and put it on Twitter.

So don't be a jerk bag. Respond to me when I @ you on Twitter. Because when I'm famous, you'll want to follow me, you'll want to @ me, and I won't sink to your level, because I know now that I am better than you and your generic background and 17 friends.