Sunday, September 6, 2009

The Evolution of Duh

I have found that growing up is really understanding the "Evolution of Duh".

As you get older you realize things that others simply don't comprehend or understand, even though it's obvious and as blatantly ridiculous as Britney Spears having children.

Below I've outlined some things that would fall under the "EOD".

1. Britney Spears having children. Where did she get the idea that this was a good decision? Honestly, just because you get drunk and watch the Disney Channel doesn't give you the right to be parental.

2. Diabetes. I am not discounting the disease. I am discounting the millions of Americans who think one more Mcdouble-dribble-cheesy-potato-patty melt-fried-doodle is not going to hurt them. Sorry...YOU ARE WRONG. You are fat. Yes. You are unhealthy. Heck, I lost weight and I am STILL unhealthy. There was a time when men and women worked on farms. If they happened to be the lucky ones to work in offices then they still played ball with their kids. Now the kids play ball on their game console and the parents decide which take-out menu to use. Thus...creating an influx of diabetes.

3. Prescription drug commercials. If you didn't drug causes a side effect which creates the need for another drug. They feed off of each other and their advertisers are then better able to feed their children from the more expensive take-out restaurants. Please stop over drugging yourself. Maybe if you stopped eating so much mono-gluta-eat-a-mate you wouldn't need the cholesterol medication that causes you to be impotent.

4. Bottle sized powder drinks. You are not saving money or calories when it comes in a smaller pouch.

5. Get your higher education from a college not a computer. I don't care who you are and how many online PhD's you have. If I were an employer of any type of business other than food service I would laugh at your desire to educate yourself via podcasts. Sorry, there is nothing that can replace the classroom and traditional, stressful, sleep deprived, hard back desk sitting, university education.

6. Don't major in something stupid at that real university you should attend. You can learn how to sew, cook, play the trumpet, and run without a college degree. Please stop wasting my tax dollars so you can go to keggers or meet your future eternal companion.

7. When you go to a fast food restaurant and they ask you if "you'd like to add" means you WILL pay more money. Don't expect things to be free. According to some people even "freedom isn't free" so why would the cheese on your burger be?

8. Energy drinks, coffee houses, and diet soda are of the devil. You are addicted. Regular society can't keep up with the caffeinated society. Try to go a day without caffeine and you'll see how unproductive you are. Unless, of course, you understood the "Evolution of Duh" a long time ago and refrained from all the packaged frothy nonsense.

9. If you're fat and sweaty and over 40 then you should not be in a mosh pit. I recently encountered this. I think moshing is some mentally challenged reason to fight without getting arrested. I want to find whoever invented it and push them over onto wet cement.

10. Water is water. But I prefer Aquavista.