Tuesday, August 18, 2009

iPhone Illness

I just purchased an iphone and switched to AT&T. I am fully sure that cocaine is a bad substance that should never enter the human body. However, if I were to be involved in something comparable to cocaine I would have to say it is the "Apps" for the iphone.

In addition to the normal addictive apps like Facebook and Twitter I have other ones. Some of them include digital bubble wrap and an app that tells you the most recent seismic activity (earthquakes) around the world.

Why do I need such things? Why does anyone need virtual bubble wrap? I suppose I can understand if I were sending virtual gifts (like the ones purchased on Facebook which usually end up being thongs sent by a person named "private").

But alas I have them. And they are fantastic. Yet, it made me think, how pathetic is the average Americans attention span?

Answer: uber pathetic

It wasn't enough that people had to engage in conversation in coffee houses. Now, most of them come with wifi and no one talks to each other. The soothing sound of typing has infiltrated every metropolis in the U.S.

Children are the worst victims in what I would like to call the "Attention Famine". They have their PS 1, 2, 3, and 40. If that doesn't appease them then they can play their Game Cube immediately following their Wii for exercise and then, heaven forbid, mom makes you go to the store...along comes the DS!

I really feel bad for newspapers. Those lonely things just sit in the racks day after day. They know they're going to be used in some rich kids bonfire but only after that same rich kid could get away from his intense game of Halo.

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

The Definition of Creepy

Recently I've really found a new understanding of the definition of creepy.

A lot of people don't know how to recognize creepy. Sometimes they are the creepy ones themselves. Sometimes they are the innocent victims. Please understand that if the feeling is mutual then you won't be considered creepy.

I would like to define for you some ways in which someone can be labeled creepy. Later I will define ways in which you can learn how to "take a hint".

1. If you can't start a conversation but try to jump in using random stories about yourself that don't pertain to the conversation currently happening.

Example Conversation Topic: the Red Sox and how awesome they are.

Creepy Person: "I once had a cat with white on his feet and I named him socks. But I only made him wear kitty socks once because my grandma knit them. It was sad though because my grandma just died. She was a nice lady. She used to let me stay at the farm house when I was a child because no one would play with me in the summertime"

2. You text, email, or call someone you don't know for no reason. You weren't planning on spending time with this person. You have no topic for the text message or no reason to text them. You aren't really friends with this person and you just want them to know you exist really really badly.

3. You show up at their work more than once. You don't usually go there but for some reason you happened to have a reason to purchase nails twice in one week.

4. You refer to someone of the opposite sex as being just like your "sister" or "brother" more than once in a conversation. You say that you could never (dot dot dot) because they're just like your "sister" or "brother". Yet your body language towards that person would clearly be incest if they were in fact your sister or brother.

5. You stand within close proximity to someone the entire time a group of you are hanging out but you don't talk to the person and the person doesn't talk to you. However, you make certain sure that they can feel your breath on their neck.

6. You memorize someones work schedule who is not your boyfriend or girlfriend.

7. You have Facebook stalked them to the point that you know which High School they attended, their birthdate, their job, their favorite music, and their current status...by memory.

8. You make friends with their mutual friends so you can be at mutual gatherings.

9. You have their phone number in your phone even though you would never in a million years have the courage to call them.

10. You run across the room, leap over a chair, push someone aside, and trip over your own feet, just to pick up the cocktail napkin they dropped on the floor.


One way.

They don't acknowledge any of the above communication between you and them more than the phrase "thanks".