Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Airport Body Scans

Gosh darn it I love them there airport body scans. Can I just tell you how wonderful it's going to be when I don't have to get groped by some smelly overweight cuban TSA agent with an awful sense of humor; even to the point that he convinces me I might possibly have a concealed nail clipper in my pocket.

So what if they get to see all my incidentals. I lost 50 pounds in the last year and I have to show it off somewhere. It'll be so wonderful to know that when a terrorist walks through one of those contraptions he'll be laughed at before he's arrested. We all know how those eastern men overcompensate. Not to mention their terrible flair for the dramatic when it comes to hiding bombs.

TSA: "why does that man have a copy of George Bush's memoir?"

TSA 2: "No silly, that's the bomb"

Terrorist: "What? Can't a middle eastern man learn of upstanding politics and enjoy a grammatically well written discourse?"

TSA: "You can, which is how we know that's the bomb"

Friday, November 5, 2010

Lil' Shame and Other Famous Sensations

Sometimes you just can't force stupid. And sometimes stupid propels you into fame and fortune and you wonder how some people went from cleaning June bugs off windshields to instantaneous media popularity. Now I'm not implying that all celebrities once worked at gas stations. Quite the contrary. Most of them studied science until they realized even the guy can have his own mitochondria of fame and models at his beck and call.

But how does one concoct the recipe of fame? I've decided to break it down into three simple categories. Surface embarrassment, substance hoarding, and raw janitorial talent.

1. Surface Embarrassment

These are the celebrities that make it big by outward idiocy. They surface in the public media streams like the little boy who went poo in the local swimming pool. You don't necessarily want to be near it, but you can't look away, you're just in awe that it actually happened and is visible. Usually these celebrities are also the color of poo. Brought about by too much fake tanning and metallic fashion accessories. The greatest enjoyment these celebrities give does not come from their appearance but rather the verbal diarrhea they omit upon each public and sometimes private appearance. They tend to leave out "t and h" in many words and pretty soon you've learned that their really excited for "everyfring" they're getting on their "birfday".

2. Substance Hoarding

This group of individuals has somehow used a serious physical and social problem to their advantage. I am not trying to make light of drug use. That is not a humorous issue. However, some celebrities seem to turn it into one. For example Lil' Shame is way too excited to be running around on probation. So excited that his probation documents were released online. Since when has a celebrities PO documents been online? You know he was hanging out in that courtroom hollering "yo man, anyone got a scanner? I can make a cool 10 G's from my boys at TMZ in ten minutes if you help a brotha out".

3. Raw Janitorial Talent

Yeah, I had to make a category for real talent. But the sick thing is, much of the real talent doesn't get discovered. Or, is discovered too late. You know Tu Pac is chillin upstairs with Aliyah and that chick with the eye from TLC. Their conversation probably follows something like...

Aliyah: "I think they had T-Shirts with my face on it before I died"

Left Eye: "PA-leeeeze! You think I wanted to go chasing these waterfalls? I was about to have a duel freestyle war with Eminem. Showin up that skinny white boy was the only thing on my mind"

Tu Pac: "Pishaw. I aint complaining. Those stupid people think I'm still alive. The other day some latino chick from Miami called 911 and said she saw me buy a pack of cigarettes at 7 Eleven. And I don't even smoke!" "Well...didn't"

There you have it my friends. Famous sensations. Well, by golly, someone needs to be spending frivolous cash to strengthen out economy. And if that means Snookie has to by bronzer and 15 more hats with the phrase "Princess" on it, then by all means, go wild!

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Merch Dizzle

So, I discovered that I can put my funny sayings on items and sell them. So buy this for Christmas. I think your friends will love you for it.

create & buy custom products at Zazzle

Me, Myself, and More of Me!

So I decided to make a Facebook fan pages for myself! That's right. I deserve it! This is my gift to myself. If a midget who lip syncs can make it big then so can I.

So like my page! Do it! Do it!

Here's the link!