Pillow Fight

I bet you were hoping a funny video came with this post. Wrong. But I commend you for your effort!

The above photo is something I've found fascinating within the most fascinating website to hit the web since the new millennium. The "requests" that I get on Facebook are so beyond the ideal of human behavior.

Don't you have ANYTHING constructive to do on the internet besides throwing sheep at me? I'm sorry if I don't want to become a member of your mafia, pirate, count chocola brigade. I'm also sorry I let your digital tulips die. It's just that they require much more sunlight and water then any regular plant I've ever had in existence.

And please don't be offended if I don't join your "Cause". I just don't think that saving newts in the arctic is my supreme calling in life.

American Priorities

I've come to realize recently that we have, as Americans, set our priorities in the wrong places.

The other night I was in the mood to watch a chick flick. Why do women do this to themselves? I decided that instead of feeding the unrealistic expectations of love I would rent an honest chick flick. Yes, I know my effort was in vain and a bit diluted.

I wandered over to the "New Releases" section of the store. I also think "New Release" movies are a bogus concept. The sign should probably read "These movies will be here for the next 15 years but if you'd like to pay more to watch it now then we'd be more than happy to take your money"

Anyhow, I succumbed to the stupidity of the new release and found myself standing in front of a wall of empty cases for the film "He's Just Not That Into You". There was one left. Fate perhaps. But while I was there I scanned the other rows of DVD's to see what else was in such high demand. Nothing. This film had been rented more than any other film.

What is happening with men, women, relationships, and their notions of what's correct? I can only believe that so many of these films were rented because too many women either can't take a hint and need to learn how, or, they're just depressed on a rainy day. I guess I'll assume the latter.

The second thing that I've found troubling is the fact that I've received more compliments on my weight loss than on finishing my college education. I didn't know it was harder to put down a Ho-Ho than it is to take six final exams in four days.

Textiquette

Thanks to the 21st century there have been new developments in conversation.

One of these new developments is texting. No one really talks on the phone anymore. What's the point? You could do so much more during a text conversation then you could on the phone.

For example, on the phone you're not able to use the bathroom. Or do anything else that may be deemed foul background noise.

You also can't do other things on the phone. Things like making a quilt, seeding a garden, writing a novel, darning socks, teaching English as a second language, searching the night sky for UFO's, fulfilling your Phoenix online masters degree. Ya know, those things that every normal person does in their free time.

The only unfortunate problem with texting is "Textiquette". The understanding of how to have a proper texting conversation. There are some things you need to remember when holding a lengthy discussion with text messages.

1. The other person needs to understand the acronyms you're using. Things like LOL and ROFL or BRB are common place. Things like WHDELYABYFN which stand for "whatever, he doesn't even like you anymore because you're fat now" or WDWLMWRHLAPF "why don't women like men with receding hair lines and pet ferrets" are not acceptable acronyms.

2. Texting too fast. Just because they call you lightning in homeroom doesn't mean that grandma can keep up with your super human texty thumbs.

3. Don't leave the conversation hanging. I understand you can get side tracked. But did you die? Why can't you just answer my question? How do you expect me to speak to you in real life when you can't formulate a response? That's like going to a drive thru and never getting the food you ordered.

So there you go. Follow those three easy steps to texting and you're on your way to more great and meaningful relationships in your inbox.

Parody Songs

I love to write parody songs. I will probably write one soon and post it here. Until then, enjoy this wonderful parody not written by me but seriously amazing!




Also read this!

http://averageadvice.blogspot.com/

My Kind of Eggs

Have you seen the movie Runaway Bride?

In this film Julia Roberts is put in front of many plates of eggs. She realizes that she has no idea what kind of eggs she likes.

I like my eggs sunny side up. I like to dip my toast in them. I don't like other types of eggs. I will eat other types if I'm hungry but I don't like them.

The moral of the eggs isn't really about eggs at all. It's about knowing who you really are. What would you do in a certain situation? What would you say? What do you really enjoy or love about life?

These last few months I've really been trying to get to know myself. What I really want. But now I think that you don't find out what you want until you're given what you don't want. Or, until you are truly and utterly bored with yourself or your circumstance.

Here's something I recently discovered about myself thanks to boredom and nightmares.

I don't like genetically modified food. I think it's nonsense. We had hundreds of varieties of apples in the 19th century. Now we have a handful. The earth was created to grow things. We don't need scientific lab oriented corn to eat. We need hard working men and women with little tact for the urban life but a great understanding of farming.

Also, scary films are not my forte. I recently watched some old scary Spielberg film. I had nightmares 2 days later. I will stick to chick flicks about teenage girls with eating disorders and attitudes bigger than the calories they consume.

Muffin Tops, Moms, and Migratory Birds

I haven't been posting very often. I will explain why by using the three topics in the title of this blog.

Muffin Tops

I've been working quite a bit. I like my job. I believe the best part of my job is people watching. Since I work in a mall food court I get to see all types of individuals. My favorites are the muffin tops.

Muffin tops are girls with muffin tops that seem to have no understanding of the way in which their bakers dozen is falling over their waist. I'm sorry if this is too graphic for you. It's too graphic for me to watch on a daily basis.

Now please don't be offended by my comments. I have topped the muffin too. I just conceal it in a humane way. Not only do they wear these muffin tops in all glory but they adorn them with neon green lettering on their shirts. Sometimes they add a bit of tacky necklaces to enhance the already obvious belly button region.

As these muffin tops walk they seem to sway in a very forward and aggressive fashion. I can almost hear what they're thinking. "I look so good in these jeans. It looks like I've lost 10 pounds. I bet that guy working at Subway thinks I'm hott! He probably does because I am. And this shirt is so cute."

Moms

I also haven't been writing much because my computer is at home and I have been avoiding home. It's not a bad place I'm just a private person. Mothers have a way of asking a simple question such as "how's the weather outside?" and expecting an answer such as "Great. I think I need to reevaluate my life goals. Could you help me mom? Also, could you tell me who to date? Where to live? And what to think?".

Migratory Birds

Since the mom situation is on the ups I am realizing that I must be an adult now and move out of my parents house. I am looking for an apt with my friend. I am migrating out of the ghetto.

I've often thought that migratory birds are the most intelligent species on the planet. Why haven't we realized that it's not fun to live in freezing weather. That possibly if we're uncomfortable with a situation that maybe we should leave? I bet the birds had a great laugh at cavemen.

Sally Bird: "Did you see him cowering in that cave? That's so dawning of evolution. Let's keep it B.C. and fly south"

Fonsie Bird: "All riiight. I'm in!"

Relationship Status

What is this? Are you kidding me? It use to be an actual challenge to find out whether someone was dating or single. Whether they had previously been married or were "players".

Now, with a click of a button you can discover whether you truly want to venture into the unknown world of someone's romantic life. It's called the Facebook Relationship Status.

I've found that this little "buddy" is fundamentally false. I would like to tell you what each "status" truly means so you don't get confused in the future.


Single

This means you want people to know that you're single. You want every other available and somewhat attractive male to see this status and keep your name in his mental little black book. You want it out there so that when you accidently end up at his work at the Jiffy Lube that he will find a strange way to hit on you.

This status might also be for the desperate. It should really say "Single, balding, owner of 6 cats, drives a station wagon, watches your facebook status's to see what you're doing, is too scared to ask you out so he/she will be "just friends" forever but will still keep he/she's status single just so you can know that they want you real bad". Yup, that's what it should really say. But that's too long to fit in a short form box.

In a Relationship

This means that you want EVERYONE to know that you don't have the "single" status anymore. That somehow you were able to crawl out from under that pathetic rock of loneliness and find someone else to listen to your terrible story about Vegas over and over again. Good for you. Everyone really cares. They really really do. Really. Seriously. You're relationship is the main topic of their conversations. They think about it all the time. They think it's great. Really. Really it's so great. Really it is. Really.

It's Complicated

Wait, what is complicated? You're head? Yeah, that's what I thought. Either you're in a relationship or you're not. Those that put this just want the other person to make a decision about the relationship. If you're the person with whom put "it's complicated", I'm sorry. MAKE A DECISION for the other person. They're NOT going to do it. Or, maybe they don't really like you. Sorry. It's too complicated to explain to you.

Engaged

Really they still care. Really they do. Really.

Married

Don't worry, we won't go after your spouse. We don't like them anyways. They smell kind of strange and they keep telling us that annoying story about when they went to Vegas. You just keep reading deep introspective books while your spouse is at work. The rest of us will be stalking people on Facebook.



There it is my friends. The real status behind the Relationship Status. Happy hunting!