Friday, April 17, 2009

Relationship Status

What is this? Are you kidding me? It use to be an actual challenge to find out whether someone was dating or single. Whether they had previously been married or were "players".

Now, with a click of a button you can discover whether you truly want to venture into the unknown world of someone's romantic life. It's called the Facebook Relationship Status.

I've found that this little "buddy" is fundamentally false. I would like to tell you what each "status" truly means so you don't get confused in the future.


This means you want people to know that you're single. You want every other available and somewhat attractive male to see this status and keep your name in his mental little black book. You want it out there so that when you accidently end up at his work at the Jiffy Lube that he will find a strange way to hit on you.

This status might also be for the desperate. It should really say "Single, balding, owner of 6 cats, drives a station wagon, watches your facebook status's to see what you're doing, is too scared to ask you out so he/she will be "just friends" forever but will still keep he/she's status single just so you can know that they want you real bad". Yup, that's what it should really say. But that's too long to fit in a short form box.

In a Relationship

This means that you want EVERYONE to know that you don't have the "single" status anymore. That somehow you were able to crawl out from under that pathetic rock of loneliness and find someone else to listen to your terrible story about Vegas over and over again. Good for you. Everyone really cares. They really really do. Really. Seriously. You're relationship is the main topic of their conversations. They think about it all the time. They think it's great. Really. Really it's so great. Really it is. Really.

It's Complicated

Wait, what is complicated? You're head? Yeah, that's what I thought. Either you're in a relationship or you're not. Those that put this just want the other person to make a decision about the relationship. If you're the person with whom put "it's complicated", I'm sorry. MAKE A DECISION for the other person. They're NOT going to do it. Or, maybe they don't really like you. Sorry. It's too complicated to explain to you.


Really they still care. Really they do. Really.


Don't worry, we won't go after your spouse. We don't like them anyways. They smell kind of strange and they keep telling us that annoying story about when they went to Vegas. You just keep reading deep introspective books while your spouse is at work. The rest of us will be stalking people on Facebook.

There it is my friends. The real status behind the Relationship Status. Happy hunting!

1 comment:

Patrick Collier said...

aaaaaaaaand that is why I took my relationship status off my profile... you know what that one means? "My personal life is none of your (insert favorite expletive) business." hahahaha... oh man. Who invented Facebook statuses anyway? I mean honestly what were they thinking?