Muffin Tops, Moms, and Migratory Birds

I haven't been posting very often. I will explain why by using the three topics in the title of this blog.

Muffin Tops

I've been working quite a bit. I like my job. I believe the best part of my job is people watching. Since I work in a mall food court I get to see all types of individuals. My favorites are the muffin tops.

Muffin tops are girls with muffin tops that seem to have no understanding of the way in which their bakers dozen is falling over their waist. I'm sorry if this is too graphic for you. It's too graphic for me to watch on a daily basis.

Now please don't be offended by my comments. I have topped the muffin too. I just conceal it in a humane way. Not only do they wear these muffin tops in all glory but they adorn them with neon green lettering on their shirts. Sometimes they add a bit of tacky necklaces to enhance the already obvious belly button region.

As these muffin tops walk they seem to sway in a very forward and aggressive fashion. I can almost hear what they're thinking. "I look so good in these jeans. It looks like I've lost 10 pounds. I bet that guy working at Subway thinks I'm hott! He probably does because I am. And this shirt is so cute."

Moms

I also haven't been writing much because my computer is at home and I have been avoiding home. It's not a bad place I'm just a private person. Mothers have a way of asking a simple question such as "how's the weather outside?" and expecting an answer such as "Great. I think I need to reevaluate my life goals. Could you help me mom? Also, could you tell me who to date? Where to live? And what to think?".

Migratory Birds

Since the mom situation is on the ups I am realizing that I must be an adult now and move out of my parents house. I am looking for an apt with my friend. I am migrating out of the ghetto.

I've often thought that migratory birds are the most intelligent species on the planet. Why haven't we realized that it's not fun to live in freezing weather. That possibly if we're uncomfortable with a situation that maybe we should leave? I bet the birds had a great laugh at cavemen.

Sally Bird: "Did you see him cowering in that cave? That's so dawning of evolution. Let's keep it B.C. and fly south"

Fonsie Bird: "All riiight. I'm in!"

Relationship Status

What is this? Are you kidding me? It use to be an actual challenge to find out whether someone was dating or single. Whether they had previously been married or were "players".

Now, with a click of a button you can discover whether you truly want to venture into the unknown world of someone's romantic life. It's called the Facebook Relationship Status.

I've found that this little "buddy" is fundamentally false. I would like to tell you what each "status" truly means so you don't get confused in the future.


Single

This means you want people to know that you're single. You want every other available and somewhat attractive male to see this status and keep your name in his mental little black book. You want it out there so that when you accidently end up at his work at the Jiffy Lube that he will find a strange way to hit on you.

This status might also be for the desperate. It should really say "Single, balding, owner of 6 cats, drives a station wagon, watches your facebook status's to see what you're doing, is too scared to ask you out so he/she will be "just friends" forever but will still keep he/she's status single just so you can know that they want you real bad". Yup, that's what it should really say. But that's too long to fit in a short form box.

In a Relationship

This means that you want EVERYONE to know that you don't have the "single" status anymore. That somehow you were able to crawl out from under that pathetic rock of loneliness and find someone else to listen to your terrible story about Vegas over and over again. Good for you. Everyone really cares. They really really do. Really. Seriously. You're relationship is the main topic of their conversations. They think about it all the time. They think it's great. Really. Really it's so great. Really it is. Really.

It's Complicated

Wait, what is complicated? You're head? Yeah, that's what I thought. Either you're in a relationship or you're not. Those that put this just want the other person to make a decision about the relationship. If you're the person with whom put "it's complicated", I'm sorry. MAKE A DECISION for the other person. They're NOT going to do it. Or, maybe they don't really like you. Sorry. It's too complicated to explain to you.

Engaged

Really they still care. Really they do. Really.

Married

Don't worry, we won't go after your spouse. We don't like them anyways. They smell kind of strange and they keep telling us that annoying story about when they went to Vegas. You just keep reading deep introspective books while your spouse is at work. The rest of us will be stalking people on Facebook.



There it is my friends. The real status behind the Relationship Status. Happy hunting!

The President of the World

I like to keep this blog humorous for the most part, however, it is still MY blog. So I can say what I want.

I recently just changed my political views on Facebook.com to "It's none of your business".

Why did I do that?

Well as you can see from the photo above, U.S. politics is completely out of hand. Our view of our current president is beyond simple "holder of office". I have heard references to him even being something of a "savior" for our country.

If you remember who the "Savior" is then you'll remember that the only savior that exists is Jesus Christ. I will not nor will I ever equate Barack Obama to being like The Savior. Ever.

I haven't seen a major news magazine without a photo of him issued for months. I am also very irritated every time I walk by the FYE record store in the mall and see a CARDBOARD CUTOUT of him. On the opposite side of the store window is one of Kristen Stewart from Twilight. Seriously? I think that alone is why the word "seriously" was invented.

And what's with the world travel? I saw an interview with Hillary Clinton recently. She looked annoyed and bored. Why is that? Because President Obama is doing HER job! She should be the one traveling the globe and making solutions for peace and telling the world what we will or won't give, create, or do for them. It beckons an interesting question...what if the offices were opposite?

Now I'm sure you have come to a conclusion about my political standing by reading this. Sorry, you're wrong. Since all of the Bush nonsense, election of 2004 and 2008, global warming, gay marriage, bank downfalls, and the creation of Wal-Mart I cannot deem any political party viable. And if I do choose one it's going to be my business.

Let's bring our country back to basics. Not back to the anti-technology doldrums. But back to an era where we were a strong and independent country. You do remember why we came here right? To escape Europe. Now Europe needs us to survive. It's funny how things work isn't it?

Seriously?

Visit msnbc.com for Breaking News, World News, and News about the Economy

Fanny Packs

I've come to find out that there is a certain fashion fad coming back to the surface. They are fanny packs.

I've realized that these are increasingly more and more convenient as the years go by.

Back when fanny packs were first created we didn't have enough things to put in them. People were confused by their creation. Back then we had something called "paper money" or "dollars". Our cell phones (if you were lucky enough to procure one) were about the size of a mens size 13 shoe. Finally, we had not yet fallen into the dismal belief that carrying a miniature bottle of sanitizer would cure you of cancer, ebola, or other strange viral and non-viral diseases. So what was there to put into your fanny pack? Back then some would store their Ray-Bans in them. Others would use their nifty waistline storage device to store the packages of saltines that you would get with your soup at fast food restaurants.

Now, it's the 21st century and the need for a fanny pack is on the rise. We can put smaller cell phones in them, protein bars, miniature hair brushes that fold into mirrors which fold into a tray of makeup which folds into a bottle of botox and a needle for simple at home applications. The possibilities of the fanny pack are endless. So don't disrespect the fanny pack or those that wear one. Don't assume that beyond that fanny pack that all there is is a neon scrunchy, illiterate conversation, and bad teeth. there is more to the fanny pack...and there is more to you!

Things People Don't Know About

So, I'm a very personal person. I do talk, or joke, about many personal things but people never know what is actually going on because it is usually none of their business.

I thought I would clear some things up that seem to be confusing people. Or, so people will stop making assumptions and asking me about my personal life. Hopefully, I can still be humorous about this otherwise this blog will fall into the depth of boredom that most blogs do.

1. Work...

I work at Taco Bell. I am currently a shift manager working towards a better position there. I am in charge of being in charge of everything. Okay...not really. But I am one of the few people that the employees actually listen to. I think it is because I use a motherly tone and have an education. On a regular basis I deal with their emotional, physical, mental, and anger issues. Furthermore, I also get called "bitch" by customers in front of their children. No, it is not a glamorous job.

So why am I still there? Why haven't I run for the nearest bus stop, cab depot, or corner to sell myself? Because they treat me well, I have a very good boss, and the money is good. Also, because I am good at what I do. I don't just make the food. I make sure the restaurant is working well, I do a bunch of paperwork so we don't run out of things like tacos, and I prevent the restaurant from being plastered all over Dateline NBC by teaching my co-workers how to properly prepare food in a sanitized environment. (fyi...there are other places in the umall you may not want to eat at. Subway, Taco Bell, and Mcdonalds are very clean).

So that is work. Don't ask me about again please. And don't try to tell me I should get a different job. In case you forgot...this is my life. And I'm obviously VERY stubborn.

2. My Family...

Weekly I get the same question at church. "How is your family?" I would like to remind humanity that filler family questions are not sincere. A more sincere question might be the following...

"How do you make your hair look so good everyday?"

Or,

"How far are you in the Twilight Series?"

Those are the questions that pertain to me and that I would feel okay discussing with strangers. Just because you have been to my house does not mean we are BFF's and that I want to discuss my personal family issues with you. Sorry, I'm a private person. For those of you who don't understand this family section of this post, here is some background info: my mom has schizophrenia. She's an amazing women but also a private person with whom I don't discuss with people whom I don't know any better than the anchors on the Fox News Channel.


Wow, that was extremely therapeutic and now I think I may clean my room. I will also be finishing up my bottle of the best drink ever created...

Diet Dr. Pepper

Obama Says: "You can have whatever you didn't vote for"

Okay, so he didn't really say that. But it seems as though every major social issue coming our way can be fixed and overruled by President Obama.

Don't get me wrong...some things I support. Things like a random check for 1,000 that I am supposed to get, or was told I might get, or the news mentioned something about me getting.

But some things seem to have been overridden and pushed through office without debate.

Things like...

1. Stem Cell Research

2. Marriage

3. The creation of 50 more buildings in the U.S. dedicated to printing only the stimulus money and new dresses for Michelle Obama.

Okay, the last one was a lie. Seriously though, what's next? Legalized looting? You mean to tell me that I will be able to go over to the Jones place and take their TV from them? That would be wonderful because I always wanted to keep up with them.