Did you learn the hard way?

Why must we grow up? Think about how great things were when we were young. We could poop anywhere. Literally, we had portable soft plush synthetic pottys with us all the time. We were also able to eat all the time. And take naps.

But eventually a teenager in a diaper eating creamy spinach looks a bit strange.

So we take the SAT's. We attempt to stay in the right lane. We learn that putting chemicals under your arms on a daily basis will allow you to continue to have friends. And some of us even get our first job picking up someone's dirty fork or asking them if they would like to upsize their Diet Coke with their large fries and triple artery clogging patty melt.

But it isn't enough. We get to a point where we realize that patty melts won't get us the things that mainstream media dreams of in life. Namely an SUV. So we go to a larger version of the institution that taught us how to count those dirty forks. We shell out tens of thousands of hard earned cash so that we can someday sit in a leather chair and have an intern who also one day dreams of his own leather chair.

Finally, we get the leather chair. The fake nails, fake hair, fake hopes and real fears. So what did we do all this for?

The feeling of being accomplished. And so we could learn the hard way.

Yes, oh yes. Most of us will learn the hard way.

Some things I've recently learned the hard way...

1. Be aware of your credit. Know what it is. Know how to keep it in good standing.

2. Stay away from national banks. Go with local banks and credit unions.

3. All car salesman are liars and greedy. That is their job.

4. Too much caffeine isn't good for you. It messes with your sleeping habits and it's bad for your heart.

5. Value your friends and relationships. Buy some stamps and write letters instead of emails.

6. Prices will go up. Stop asking why something costs so much when you go out to eat. The price is posted for a reason.

7. Never do anything for free that you can get paid for.

8. Quality is better than quantity. That is why I own a MAC.

9. Swearing makes you sound stupid.

10. I must make preparations to have pumpkin pie on Thanksgiving or I will personally consume an entire pint of ice cream and half a pumpkin loaf.

"A muffin is a bald cupcake" -Jim Gaffigan

Pocket Full of Posers

What happen to identity? The true original self.

There used to be a time in which you said you liked something and someone might have disagreed with you because they had previously tried that thing and decided they didn't like it.

Nowadays we all do the same things. And if we haven't then we're indecisive in making a decision. We have become a "pocket full of posers".

The worst pockets are those that can't make a decision when it comes to dating or relationships. These specific posers come in all types. Many of them get hung up on the phrase dating or the even more terrifying phrases of boyfriend and girlfriend.

I'm not sure if you know this...but dating someone is not marriage. Nope, you're not married if you're dating someone. You don't have a prenuptial agreement. You don't have to wear a distinguishing piece of jewelry so you know you're eternally attached to another being. You're just dating. And when you don't feel as though it's going anywhere, there's no red tape. No awkward term of divorce lingering over your head. You just simply stop dating.

The pockets of posers also like to wear the same skinny jeans, drink the same energy drinks, and listen to the same anti-melodic music.

Sometimes I dip my hand into a pocket now and then. Sometimes I do enjoy the things that everyone else does. Namely Mcdonalds chicken nuggets. But I truly hope that I can keep my individuality separate from another persons individuality and truly become the very best phrase, "uniquely original".

What are you a product of?

This may be something that every human encounters as they grow older. The realization that something is going wrong with society and the further realization that you can do nothing about it.

For example, your paycheck. Whether you're liberal or conservative you know who will end up with at least a small percentage of your money.

It's "Those People". You know them. And if you don't, then I would like to tell you how they start their day.


8:00am: still sleeping

10:05am: woke up because the sunlight managed to peer through the Grateful Dead blanket that covers the window of the master bedroom in the 3 bedroom subsidized apartment.

10:17am: moved arm and knocked over diet soda cans that were lining nightstand.

And the beat goes on...


The worst part about "Those People" is that they weren't born with any distinguishing feature that would make them into something that preys on society. Yet, over time, they evolve.

Then the story complicates as your tax dollars flow through a tube. From your bosses bank account, to the government, to the welfare checks, to the pockets of "Those People", to the counter at your local big box department store, to the bosses pocket of the big box department store.

Then when the employees at the the big box department store can't afford healthcare...they will try to form a union. But the union won't pass. So the government will change their policies so that those employees can have healthcare.

So more of your money will go to "Those People"'s healthcare. And then...after a few years, they'll be able to form a union.

Then, "Those People" will have unionized jobs with good healthcare and cheap affordable housing. While "you" will still be struggling to pay your bills and student loans off, and, searching for a second job. But you can't find one because you have a B.A. or MBA but no union certificate.

So forgive me when I don't like to engage in less than intellectually stimulating conversation with "Those People".

The Evolution of Duh

I have found that growing up is really understanding the "Evolution of Duh".

As you get older you realize things that others simply don't comprehend or understand, even though it's obvious and as blatantly ridiculous as Britney Spears having children.

Below I've outlined some things that would fall under the "EOD".

1. Britney Spears having children. Where did she get the idea that this was a good decision? Honestly, just because you get drunk and watch the Disney Channel doesn't give you the right to be parental.

2. Diabetes. I am not discounting the disease. I am discounting the millions of Americans who think one more Mcdouble-dribble-cheesy-potato-patty melt-fried-doodle is not going to hurt them. Sorry...YOU ARE WRONG. You are fat. Yes. You are unhealthy. Heck, I lost weight and I am STILL unhealthy. There was a time when men and women worked on farms. If they happened to be the lucky ones to work in offices then they still played ball with their kids. Now the kids play ball on their game console and the parents decide which take-out menu to use. Thus...creating an influx of diabetes.

3. Prescription drug commercials. If you didn't know...one drug causes a side effect which creates the need for another drug. They feed off of each other and their advertisers are then better able to feed their children from the more expensive take-out restaurants. Please stop over drugging yourself. Maybe if you stopped eating so much mono-gluta-eat-a-mate you wouldn't need the cholesterol medication that causes you to be impotent.

4. Bottle sized powder drinks. You are not saving money or calories when it comes in a smaller pouch.

5. Get your higher education from a college not a computer. I don't care who you are and how many online PhD's you have. If I were an employer of any type of business other than food service I would laugh at your desire to educate yourself via podcasts. Sorry, there is nothing that can replace the classroom and traditional, stressful, sleep deprived, hard back desk sitting, university education.

6. Don't major in something stupid at that real university you should attend. You can learn how to sew, cook, play the trumpet, and run without a college degree. Please stop wasting my tax dollars so you can go to keggers or meet your future eternal companion.

7. When you go to a fast food restaurant and they ask you if "you'd like to add" ANYTHING...it means you WILL pay more money. Don't expect things to be free. According to some people even "freedom isn't free" so why would the cheese on your burger be?

8. Energy drinks, coffee houses, and diet soda are of the devil. You are addicted. Regular society can't keep up with the caffeinated society. Try to go a day without caffeine and you'll see how unproductive you are. Unless, of course, you understood the "Evolution of Duh" a long time ago and refrained from all the packaged frothy nonsense.

9. If you're fat and sweaty and over 40 then you should not be in a mosh pit. I recently encountered this. I think moshing is some mentally challenged reason to fight without getting arrested. I want to find whoever invented it and push them over onto wet cement.

10. Water is water. But I prefer Aquavista.

iPhone Illness

I just purchased an iphone and switched to AT&T. I am fully sure that cocaine is a bad substance that should never enter the human body. However, if I were to be involved in something comparable to cocaine I would have to say it is the "Apps" for the iphone.

In addition to the normal addictive apps like Facebook and Twitter I have other ones. Some of them include digital bubble wrap and an app that tells you the most recent seismic activity (earthquakes) around the world.

Why do I need such things? Why does anyone need virtual bubble wrap? I suppose I can understand if I were sending virtual gifts (like the ones purchased on Facebook which usually end up being thongs sent by a person named "private").

But alas I have them. And they are fantastic. Yet, it made me think, how pathetic is the average Americans attention span?

Answer: uber pathetic

It wasn't enough that people had to engage in conversation in coffee houses. Now, most of them come with wifi and no one talks to each other. The soothing sound of typing has infiltrated every metropolis in the U.S.

Children are the worst victims in what I would like to call the "Attention Famine". They have their PS 1, 2, 3, and 40. If that doesn't appease them then they can play their Game Cube immediately following their Wii for exercise and then, heaven forbid, mom makes you go to the store...along comes the DS!

I really feel bad for newspapers. Those lonely things just sit in the racks day after day. They know they're going to be used in some rich kids bonfire but only after that same rich kid could get away from his intense game of Halo.

The Definition of Creepy

Recently I've really found a new understanding of the definition of creepy.

A lot of people don't know how to recognize creepy. Sometimes they are the creepy ones themselves. Sometimes they are the innocent victims. Please understand that if the feeling is mutual then you won't be considered creepy.

I would like to define for you some ways in which someone can be labeled creepy. Later I will define ways in which you can learn how to "take a hint".

1. If you can't start a conversation but try to jump in using random stories about yourself that don't pertain to the conversation currently happening.

Example Conversation Topic: the Red Sox and how awesome they are.

Creepy Person: "I once had a cat with white on his feet and I named him socks. But I only made him wear kitty socks once because my grandma knit them. It was sad though because my grandma just died. She was a nice lady. She used to let me stay at the farm house when I was a child because no one would play with me in the summertime"

2. You text, email, or call someone you don't know for no reason. You weren't planning on spending time with this person. You have no topic for the text message or no reason to text them. You aren't really friends with this person and you just want them to know you exist really really badly.

3. You show up at their work more than once. You don't usually go there but for some reason you happened to have a reason to purchase nails twice in one week.

4. You refer to someone of the opposite sex as being just like your "sister" or "brother" more than once in a conversation. You say that you could never (dot dot dot) because they're just like your "sister" or "brother". Yet your body language towards that person would clearly be incest if they were in fact your sister or brother.

5. You stand within close proximity to someone the entire time a group of you are hanging out but you don't talk to the person and the person doesn't talk to you. However, you make certain sure that they can feel your breath on their neck.

6. You memorize someones work schedule who is not your boyfriend or girlfriend.

7. You have Facebook stalked them to the point that you know which High School they attended, their birthdate, their job, their favorite music, and their current status...by memory.

8. You make friends with their mutual friends so you can be at mutual gatherings.

9. You have their phone number in your phone even though you would never in a million years have the courage to call them.

10. You run across the room, leap over a chair, push someone aside, and trip over your own feet, just to pick up the cocktail napkin they dropped on the floor.

HOW TO KNOW IF THEY DON'T LIKE YOU

One way.

They don't acknowledge any of the above communication between you and them more than the phrase "thanks".

What Do You Mean?

People are funny. So many people have things they want to say and never say them. Other people say too many things that no one wants to hear. Often people think they're being "honest" when they're really being rude. And some are truly being honest but they think they're being rude.

As I was walking home from the bus stop the other day I saw a bumper sticker that read

My Son Is In The US Army

I'm sorry, but what is that sticker saying? Is is supposed to be in the form of a question? Like a possible plea for release? Maybe it's sheer pride. My son is and your son isn't. Or, are they asking for pity? Maybe they're saying "please listen to me exclaim my sadness". Now please don't misunderstand this blog. I am not against the troops. I am not making a statement about the war in any way at all. I am not talking about politics. Just the way people express themselves.

Generally I like to be an honest person. But I also know when to keep my mouth shut as to not hurt someone's fragile, and possibly vain, feeling of oneself. Typically I will tell a girl that she has makeup smudged on her face, or, that her "scrunchie" makes her look like she walked out of an episode of Blossom. But if someone honestly believes that they look amazing, or are completely convinced to commit a stupid life decision, I shut down. I don't have the heart to tell them. I step back and decide that they will learn through life. And I listen to their comments and internally feel joy for the education I've received and the wisdom I have inherited.