Tuesday, January 18, 2011

The Greatest Anthropological Experiment

You're probably wondering where this experiment happens. It is in fact the greatest anthropological experiment known to man. This place is a wonderland of cultures melted and forced into one atmosphere.


...the gym.

I've been studying the "Gym" for quite some time now. Watching how the mammals ebb and flow amongst each other. I would like to classify some of these creatures for you in this post. I'm sure you will have seen these species before. Perhaps you are one?


No, he's not your brother. He's your "bro". This is what he's called by his male friends in his species. Bro wears a sleeveless shirt to the gym. It's not appropriate for him to hide is gigantic upper arms. Don't be concerned about his muscle mass though. It's only in his biceps and triceps. The rest is normal. Bro is tall. He's too good to work out so much that be becomes square and his height compensates for him looking like a cyborg. Bro can't be confused with the run of the mill body builders because he has made sure to tattoo himself sufficiently to escape that niche of muscle beasts. To seem inconspicuous he wears a baseball hat of a team from the Midwest that he's never seen play in person. Bro has other bros that he speaks with on occasion. But this bro is a regular and even the gym staff can define him from the pack.


This is the lady in the kingdom who likes to wear an unnecessary amount of makeup to the gym. Her hair is pin straight and long. Gently pulled back into a soft wispy pony tail. If she has bangs they fall gently to one side of her face and never seem to look like they've been involved in a deeply heated relationship with sweat. Lashes takes care to make sure she is always wearing brand new sneakers and tight fitting gym apparel. Usually black on the bottom to be slimming and some kind of neon pink top so she'll be noticed. If her hair isn't fake blond it's dark brown. Never an edgy color will you see Lashes attempt. Lashes rigor at the gym involves 20 minutes brisk run on the treadmill, trip to the bathroom, lift 5lbs weights for 20 reps, trip to the bathroom, crunches, trip to the bathroom, attempt at using the dumbbell but then get lost in a conversation with a bro, trip to the bathroom.

Humbly Handsome

This guy is trying not to let anyone know he's kind of a catch. He wears sweats he bought from the college bookstore, baseball cap so no one notices him, and a long sleeve shirt to hide his actual good looking physic. He doesn't want the women in the gym to know he's checking them out so as soon as they make eye contact he looks away. Often he goes to the gym with friends because he doesn't enjoy being alone. He plays college sports but won't go pro and doesn't mind that. The drawback; he'll be there for another 10 years doing the same thing.

Old Man/Young Man

The OMYM is extremely fun to watch. His hair sticks out long under his ball cap from 1984. The same locks are slightly graying. Did I mention this hat was worn backwards? No? Well, it is. He also wears a cut off polyester shirt to mask the gut that is forming from excessive consumption of Pabst Blue Light or any other cheap beer on tap. Shorts, very hairy 50 year old man legs, and white sneakers complete the ensemble. OMYM loves the ladies. Unfortunately for him, hey don't love him back. Something about the giant headphones, scruffy 8am shadow, and the 70's pick up lines just don't make the OMYM sparkle like Edward Cullen.


This is the guy that's addicted to his PS3, WOW, D&D, and pretty much any game that detracts from normal social interaction in society. The PS-Geek wears really big glasses because he's afraid of contacts. Something about dirt in his eyes turning into syphilis. The PS-Geek doesn't cut his hair and just plain doesn't care. His hope is that if he exercises that someday he'll meet a girl there, or anywhere.


Grams really doesn't need to go to the gym. She's set. She has kids, family, and a husband who in a million years wouldn't set foot in the gym. Grams was told by her doctor that she should be more physically fit. She has also been reading a lot of O Magazine and feels that she must boost her confidence or at least heart rate. Grams doesn't make eye contact with anyone at the gym and reads romance novels on the treadmill while listening to Josh Groban and REM.

Love Me Love Me

This is the lady in her 20's that hopes beyond everything that she won't give in to that pint of ice cream that she's about to buy after she leaves the gym. LMLM has super low self esteem and changes in the bathroom stalls. She stares at the handsome men in the gym periodically until they notice she's started to drool at which point she drinks from her over-sized water bottle to detract from the moisture on her face. LMLM wears headgear at night and has created atomic wedgies for herself more powerful that Hiroshima.

Well those are just some of the species I've found roaming the gym. Post some species you've seen below this. After all, new species are discovered every day!

1 comment:

Ajax's Whimsical Revolution said...

I don't know if I have any other species to mention, but I wanted to clarify one thing, make an observation and ask a question: first, its not that it would be inappropirate to cover the bro's upper arms with sleeves, its that it is impossible, the sleeves would rip at the seems. second, i realize that i am the ps geek. but i don't wear contacts for comfort reasons, not fear of syphillis, but that might only be because i wasn't aware that was a possible consequence of wearing contacts. from now on I don't wear contacts for comfort and from fear of syphillis. lastly, do you have lashes' phone number? she sounds like the kind of girl i go to the gym to meet, or would like to meet anywhere.