The Sober Drunk

Recently I've been exploring Burlington's bar scene sober. Why? Because I don't drink. It's a personal and religious choice and I'm glad I made it. The following are reasons why I'm glad I don't consume the real "CrysTAL" on a regular basis...

1. Close talkers. I've noticed that the more alcohol is consumed the closer people start to speak to you. So close, in fact, that you hope that their "spit-talking" doesn't fly your way because you're afraid of the newly renovated cold sore boarding the express train to the corner of their mouth. And if you didn't think you could get an STD without sleeping with someone, you're wrong. Cold sores are a form of Herpies.

2. Everything is funny. Seriously...everything. You could be the most unattractive awkward person in the room but if you give a drunk person a thumbs up you're friends forever. You have suddenly become the most hilarious person in their circle of new drunk friends that they won't remember tomorrow.

3. Bad dancing. Ellane on Seinfield had nothing on some of the moves I've seen recently. High end back thrusts that end in circular gyrations with overturned toe twitches. What did I just say? It doesn't matter, because what they can do with their body drunk is something that should be studied by psychiatrists and choreographers for national geographic.

4. Karaoke. We cannot spell the work Karaoke but we can throw back a few and spin in circles while chanting the words to "Love Shack" so loud that the only thing you can really comprehend is "Shum back, macks bere meez tat".

5. The high school reunion. It happens to me weekly. "Omg! How are you! I haven't seen you in years! What are you up to?" My response: "oh just having fun and figuring out what I want to do with my life" Translation: I don't want to tell you that I still work at Taco Bell.