Popular "Tweeps"

So I've recently taken a liking to Twitter. I think it's a great and novel Idea. It's true, no one gives a crap about anything past 140 characters. We don't have time for 150 characters. We just don't. There are other more important things we could be doing instead of reading 150+ characters. Things like doing the tutorials for your online banking, darning socks, calling your cousin from Jersey you knew would never amount to anything, purchasing something from the home shopping network, pondering other careers for The Rock, joining internet dating sites, and watching Bernie Sanders talk for 8 and a half hours. All of those things take priority over 150 characters.

Unfortunately, there are some people who think they're too good to respond to someone's 140 characters. Now I'm not talking about the verified celebrities we follow in order to get their daily nuggets of wisdom. I'm talking about local celebrities, or businesses that don't respond to you when you clearly tweet AT them. When you even use the "@" symbol and their Twitter name.

Let me inform you crazy narcissistic fools, you are not too good for any TWEEP! You just aren't. You must respond. That is the point of Twitter. For people who don't know each other to talk freely and about utter nonsense with one another without feeling as though they will be judged for their thought of less than 141 characters.

As I said before, the worst ones are the ones that aren't even famous. Typically the one's that don't respond don't want to hurt their image, but they don't have an image at all. They think that heaven forbid they respond to this Tweep that the Tweep might actually think that they're formulating a relationship. Nope, wrong, they're probably mentioning you in their tweet because they think you're somewhat ignorant and they want the world to know. For which case you should probably respond otherwise you look like a jerk bag. That's right, I said jerk bag. And now, I will coin that phrase and put it on Twitter.

So don't be a jerk bag. Respond to me when I @ you on Twitter. Because when I'm famous, you'll want to follow me, you'll want to @ me, and I won't sink to your level, because I know now that I am better than you and your generic background and 17 friends.

Airport Body Scans

Gosh darn it I love them there airport body scans. Can I just tell you how wonderful it's going to be when I don't have to get groped by some smelly overweight cuban TSA agent with an awful sense of humor; even to the point that he convinces me I might possibly have a concealed nail clipper in my pocket.

So what if they get to see all my incidentals. I lost 50 pounds in the last year and I have to show it off somewhere. It'll be so wonderful to know that when a terrorist walks through one of those contraptions he'll be laughed at before he's arrested. We all know how those eastern men overcompensate. Not to mention their terrible flair for the dramatic when it comes to hiding bombs.

TSA: "why does that man have a copy of George Bush's memoir?"

TSA 2: "No silly, that's the bomb"

Terrorist: "What? Can't a middle eastern man learn of upstanding politics and enjoy a grammatically well written discourse?"

TSA: "You can, which is how we know that's the bomb"

Lil' Shame and Other Famous Sensations

Sometimes you just can't force stupid. And sometimes stupid propels you into fame and fortune and you wonder how some people went from cleaning June bugs off windshields to instantaneous media popularity. Now I'm not implying that all celebrities once worked at gas stations. Quite the contrary. Most of them studied science until they realized even the FreeCreditReport.com guy can have his own mitochondria of fame and models at his beck and call.

But how does one concoct the recipe of fame? I've decided to break it down into three simple categories. Surface embarrassment, substance hoarding, and raw janitorial talent.

1. Surface Embarrassment

These are the celebrities that make it big by outward idiocy. They surface in the public media streams like the little boy who went poo in the local swimming pool. You don't necessarily want to be near it, but you can't look away, you're just in awe that it actually happened and is visible. Usually these celebrities are also the color of poo. Brought about by too much fake tanning and metallic fashion accessories. The greatest enjoyment these celebrities give does not come from their appearance but rather the verbal diarrhea they omit upon each public and sometimes private appearance. They tend to leave out "t and h" in many words and pretty soon you've learned that their really excited for "everyfring" they're getting on their "birfday".

2. Substance Hoarding

This group of individuals has somehow used a serious physical and social problem to their advantage. I am not trying to make light of drug use. That is not a humorous issue. However, some celebrities seem to turn it into one. For example Lil' Shame is way too excited to be running around on probation. So excited that his probation documents were released online. Since when has a celebrities PO documents been online? You know he was hanging out in that courtroom hollering "yo man, anyone got a scanner? I can make a cool 10 G's from my boys at TMZ in ten minutes if you help a brotha out".

3. Raw Janitorial Talent

Yeah, I had to make a category for real talent. But the sick thing is, much of the real talent doesn't get discovered. Or, is discovered too late. You know Tu Pac is chillin upstairs with Aliyah and that chick with the eye from TLC. Their conversation probably follows something like...

Aliyah: "I think they had T-Shirts with my face on it before I died"

Left Eye: "PA-leeeeze! You think I wanted to go chasing these waterfalls? I was about to have a duel freestyle war with Eminem. Showin up that skinny white boy was the only thing on my mind"

Tu Pac: "Pishaw. I aint complaining. Those stupid people think I'm still alive. The other day some latino chick from Miami called 911 and said she saw me buy a pack of cigarettes at 7 Eleven. And I don't even smoke!" "Well...didn't"



There you have it my friends. Famous sensations. Well, by golly, someone needs to be spending frivolous cash to strengthen out economy. And if that means Snookie has to by bronzer and 15 more hats with the phrase "Princess" on it, then by all means, go wild!

Merch Dizzle

So, I discovered that I can put my funny sayings on items and sell them. So buy this for Christmas. I think your friends will love you for it.

http://www.zazzle.com/this_is_the_christmas_ornament_i_will_never_los-175280665478759814


create & buy custom products at Zazzle

Me, Myself, and More of Me!

So I decided to make a Facebook fan pages for myself! That's right. I deserve it! This is my gift to myself. If a midget who lip syncs can make it big then so can I.

So like my page! Do it...like it! Do it!

Here's the link!

http://www.facebook.com/pages/Christal-Collette/159875374051306?v=info

Pride Wants You

Yes, Uncle Sam wants you, but pride wants you more. I am so sick of everyone encompassed about themselves. I am sick of the greedy "me want" attitudes from children. I am sick of the parents that teach their children it's okay to hold grudges. I am sick of people not forgiving each other. I am sick of women thinking $65,000 weddings are necessary. I find it disgusting that shows like Jersey Shore actually exist. Shows about over tan materialistic morons who spend their days partying and attempting to boil water.

Society needs to take a sharp right turn. We need to start looking in the mirror. Who is the person you're becoming? Are you going out of your way to help people on a daily basis? Are you trying to progress yourself for the better? Or, are you squandering the resources God and humanity have given you?

I would also like to speak of the worst side of pride. Being unable to forgive. You're not hurting the other person when you don't forgive them. They will go on and live their life. You will continue to hold a grudge for the rest of yours. It can eat away at your heart and waste good moments in your life. In a job interview I was once asked the question "what would your enemies say about you?". This should be hard to answer. You shouldn't have enemies. Or, very few. Sometimes it's even feasible to ask forgiveness even when you're not at fault. You're asking forgiveness for holding hard thoughts towards the other party. Even if that other person was the root cause of the problem.


But what if you're already part of the problem and not the solution? Make friends. What? What do you mean make friends? Get to know everyone. The single mother, the popular woman, the intelligent friend, the youthful co-worker, the businessman, the grandparent. Get to know them all. Learn about them and their challenges. This will help you better sympathize with others. You will then be able to forgive them more easily. And your prideful comments will turn into moments of gratitude for the people that make this world what it aught to be.

Next, Turn Right

I have finally figured out the way I learn. How did I figure this out? One new job, two trips to Palmyra, NY, and many mistakes in the past few months.

Starting a new job can be challenging. Starting a new job twice in a year is a bit annoying. I was frustrated with myself on so many levels recently. Why? Because I was making mistakes and then was explained how to solve said mistakes even though I already knew what I did and how to resolve it.

Why did this happen to me? I follow the "Next, turn right" skill set for learning. I don't learn by watching someone else. I don't learn from listening persay. I learn from straightforward directions. In my mind all things are taught like a mapquest map. Next, turn right 100 miles.

So why did I write this? Why am I telling you this? Who cares if Christal gets lost, that's what her phone GPS is for.

Well, I write this because it's important that we all know how we best learn. If we can convey that to an employer, spouse, roommate, or friend, we instantly become more productive.

So, next time you venture to do something...think about how you learn. You might avoid asking the smelly gas station attendant with a name patch that reads "earl" how to get back to Vermont.